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Could anyone help to provide some suggestions on my TOEFL essay?


Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? 

Young people enjoy life more than older people do. 

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. 

Whether people enjoy their lives or not relies on many factors. Some people say aging is one factor that may hamper happiness and joy. However, I would strongly challenge this opinion and believe that older people can live a life as enjoyable as, if not more than, the young people.

Firstly, older people tend to have the wisdom to better understand the meaning of life, and therefore better know how to gain satisfaction. In contrast, the youngsters are probably too impulsive to appreciate the serenity of life. They are easier to be affected by drugs, alcohole, gambling, stress, etc. As the time goes by, the rich experience and hardships of lives make the people better understand what they true visions and desires. Thus older people are more likely to take control of their lives and plan their enjoyable lives.

Secondly, older people normally have more freedom both financially and spiritually in their lives comparing to the young. In recent years, the young generation are facing increasingly high pressure to make important decisions in their early stage of life. Stress from peer pressure, parents’ expectations, personal ambitions, financial constraints often prevent them from doing what they truly want to do. However, as they grow older, wealth and personal achievements will be accumulated to give them more confidence to follow their heart. After retirement, the pensioners would enjoy an even greater freedom in terms of time and money to fully enjoy their lives.

Though older people may face more limitations in recreational activities than the young people, it does not necessarily mean that older people experience have less joy and satisfaction of their lives. A crazy bar night and a cosy family reunion night may bring the same pleasure to people in different ages.

To put it into a nutshell, I suppose the older people can enjoy their lives no less than the young, as they have better appreciation of their daily life. The limitation they faced in participating in recreational activities wouldn’t deter them from appreciating their lives. People in different ages can have different ways to enjoy the same level of happiness.

  • 2 respuestas
Tace profile picture TaceJune 2019
As your essay implies, the grammar of the question is a bit reductionist. The truths you outline show that the answer is not, "I agree," or "I disagree;" rather, I agree with the conclusions in your essay.

Please note, conjunctive adverbs should be preceded by a comma or semicolon rather than a period, and burying "However" in the middle of the sentence instead of at the beginning is a trick that will only work against people who have their eyes closed.

Also, there were some other errors, very simple errors, that I would be happy to correct if you present the essay in the "corrections" area.

Your English is fantastic. I'll have to see where you are from!